Discovering My Inner Happines

In times of such mass confusion, how can one find true reflection, true realization of what we are really here for in this world anyway?

I am in a painful, yet exciting stage in my life. I am contemplating whether I should make a big change and make it a FOR GOOD one.

I need this change so much. I am trying to seek truth, honesty, and a good life for my child (featured above left with me in the photo). God is who everyone says I should seek help from, and I most definitely do. I believe in him. I speak to him. I cry to him. I ask him daily, "Where should I be, because Lord, it sure isn't here. "

I try not to "party like it's "1999" anymore, haha, excuse the cheesy pun. I try not to drink much. I really can't do that anymore because I have my son to think about,plus I don't like the way I feel the next day. I try not cause unneeded chaos in my life. I work hard at my relationship with my "boyfriend, spouse, hubby, love interest" haha, whatever...but I feel I am wasting time away on someone who can't see a "future" in us anymore. (That' s for another time and entry..).

I am in this transitional state. In it, I have rediscovered what makes me truly content, and it's my writing.

I have rediscovered it like some kind of strange awakening. I am a writer by birth, a writer by choice, and a writer at heart. :). Since I was little, my family would read my stories and be completely in Awww of this little girl writing them. They'd wonder how a kid could think up such adult like thoughts. Here's a funny scenerio, and this sure isn't an "adult like thought". Imagine this. When I was five years old, I'd play in my room with a box of crayons and colored copy paper. My mother would bring a pile of it from her job at a paper manufacturing company. She'd bring reams of colored paper, piles of it every week, and from these notebooks of colored copy paper, I'd create, draw and romantisize what I really wanted from my little world.

I'd think up little stories with so much color and vibrancy , you knew only a child could be the author.

"There once was a little girl. She had long hair of gold, and eyes of deep green. She was a princess who had everything she ever wanted. Her Daddy was the king and he loved his little girl with all his heart and gave her all that she desired. She rarely cried, and was always comforted if she did with the loving strong arms of Daddy. She lived with a beautiful horse who was purple, had magical powers, and loved her like nobody else in the world." This was seriously one of my stories, and more in drawing than actual writing, after all, I was just around five years old. These were how my stories started out. They were out of dreams that I wanted so badly to be true, and out of dreams that came out of a hurtful childhood.

Since I don't go out much anymore, and I am a student in college, I have made that my occupation. I write for mental health reasons. I write for love, for distaste of something, for fun, for fear, for comfort and releas. I also write for many other reasons.

I first initiated my writing again, when my life began to unravel. My relationship had me in a tight and painful grasp with no content or happiness left inside me. I felt unloved, lonely, sad and somewhat reminiscent the college newspaper editor looking for writers a month ago. First I am a mother, then, if I can get the permission to access my spouses time I am a "wife", next comes my writing, my pursuit of making it more real than ever before, more a serious career rather than a petty hobby or a dream. As i said, I don't go out much anymore. I miss that. I miss the dressing up, the friends, the guys who flirt with thier eyes, the way I feel when I am dancing, the strobe light tingling in my eyes, the music pulsating in my veins, my body moving from left to right with my eyes closed in a dark and translike state. I miss the red-sparkly lipgloss, the big beautiful curly do's, the sexy outfit, socializing, and the trendy club setting. I miss having my old self. I want something that is missing, but God what is it? I am currently starting to write for my college Newspaper. I am just putting out the first article this month! I am trying to perfect my less than perfect writing skills. I am trying to live my dream to become a published writer. I am trying to be a faithful in a tumultuous and sometimes unpredictable relationship. I am trying to be loving companion, but find myself very lonely at times. I am trying to be a good mom. I am trying to find a part time job and finish college because that's what needs to be done. I am trying to keep up my home, pay my bills, get healthy and not go insane in panic and anxiety like I have suffered through in the past. The question is, Am I trying to do all this without the help of God? Even though I do seek him, speak to him and cry to him, does he really hear me? Is my life stressful and painful because I don't go to church every Sunday?

Well, Today is Sunday. No, I did not go to church to ask God to help me in my current painful personal struggles and stresses. I did not show my son a good example today by dressing him in his Sunday best and hauling him off to hear the Lord's scriptures on how "we should all be living for God every minute, hour, and day", but I do live for him. I do pray with my son most nights asking the Lord for help and guidance. I do pray with my son and thank God for what we do have. I feel the Lord's presence right now as I write, but I feel sad for not going to church, and letting the sadness and stress overtake me. I feel lost. I often feel totally hypocritical going to church knowing that on some deep level, I am going out of obligation, not out of wanting to be there. I feel bad because I don't understant thier scripture and how we are all still going to hell, even if we do go to church and praise God. I hate hearing that. Before everyone starts thinking of me horribly, I do love God wholeheartedly, but my spouse doesn't hold any that in his heart as I do. Not in his life or in his actions. He doesn't teach my son about him, and he lives life everyday with no reason, no ryme. He just lives robotically, stressfully thinking about money, bills, me not getting off his back, work and even though I try to be supportive, affectionate and loving, I get the reject ticket on the bus to "Get the Hell Outta here, NM. He's like this on some but not all occassions. He is mostly a nice person, but not always so with me. I don't feel I can trust many people in my life either. I trust my two good friends. I trust my family, but sometimes I do find it hard to trust the one I should trust the most. What am I to do? I want to discover my inner happiness, my purpose in this life, the reason I am supposed to be here besides being a Mommy, (which I love being). I am trying to bring God into my life more. I am trying hard to live life on a healthy and honest scale. My health issues are another thing, but that's more private than public. I am just so desperate to know what I need to do. I can look into myself and ask myself what I really want and need, and I can give a few mundane answers, but attaining that level of peace and stability is going to be a rough road ahead. It's going to take more out of me than I could ever hope to endure, and I hope God will know I haven't abandoned hope in him. ButterflyDreams...

November 2006