I want my life back: A Young Women's Lesson on Not Listening to Her Mind and Her Intuitions.

Blog on My Birthday
Began:
March 24, 2012 Part 1

Thirteen years is a long time to be with someone isn't it? And not be married or at least half assed committed and be happy right?

I met Him in 1999. He was a sweet boy who walked in the small neighborhood bar. I was having a good time after being in a car accident just a month before and had just left a long term relationship followed by a six month relationship. I surely wasn't ready for this journey I was about to embark on, but there he walked in and there I embarked.

 It was a scary ride. I wouldn't have gotten on it, but  it seemed like destiny would push me there.

Being the confident young woman I am, I say to my now brother in law who was just a friend at the time to my sister, "Hey, do you know the guy who just walked in?" He looked over casually, "Yea, yea I know that guy. He used to throw all those parties you wanted to go to, but I wouldn't take you because you're too girly!" He teased.          

 I laughed it off. Then he got a smirk on his face, "Why, do you want a one night stand?" I said, "Yea, sure, why not." I WAS joking. I wasn't a one night stand type of person.  I laughed.

He called him over, he bought me a beer, and as the night let on, I really liked this kid. He was really nice. Nothing like the macho assholes from the past. How refreshing. Still,I thought, " he seemed too naive, not experienced at all with girls, even though he was older by four to five years." 

I had a bad habit of getting involved with young men easily, wanting comfort, searching thru each relationship trying to find someone to love me. I was quite insecure having an insecure childhood. My father was always in and out of my life, and I had a mother full of nerves. I grew up to be nerve racked too. If it wasn't for my grandparents whom I lived with on and off and having been close with my cousins my aunts and uncles, my life might have turned worse.                                       

Anyway, I was 22 years old and here was the rest of my life standing right in front of me. Michael. A common name, a common guy, nice and a little bit eccentric, just my type, a lost artist nice guy type, but he wasn't what I thought AT ALL, my readers. 

 My brother in law who was not yet married to my sister called him over. He was very sweet looking. He seemed nice and we had a few drinks together and my mom automatic did not like him. She literally told him"we have a dog named Mikey",  and shot him a warning stare. I glared at my mother. Mom didn't often go out with us and play pool, but tonight she had, and the end of the night ,I just wanted to go home and rest say goodbye to him. I was tired, in a lot of pain and had to work the next day. 

I said goodbye, but had he not turned back around from walking to his car,  I might have a different life today, but he turned around, faced me and asked me out for dinner.  I obliged, but I didn't think of him again until one night two weeks later we were going out to The Cowgirl in Santa fe's down town area and I invited him to hang out with us. He seemed awkwardly nervous as we chatted on our way to Santa Fe.  When we reached the music fueled bar, me being the A type leadership  personality, took his hand and lead him to sit with me and order a beer. HE refused almost to participate in hanging out. 'WTF is this?' I thought. It felt like he felt out of place and he so obviously showed it. My sadness lies in the fact that, this man showed deep seeded signs of feelings if inadequacy that EVEN though I read it, felt it, and knew it, I couldn't help him, and being ill equipped and young, i took this as a sign, he did not like me. I didn't know this mans feelings about himself and my longing need to make things work, would affect me negatively for the rest of my life all the way until now. I read the signs. I ignored the message. I ignored my intuition. I didnt know how he really felt for years to come...

We decided to call St. Patricks day our anniversary, because we were now officially a couple and that was a date we both thoroughly enjoyed. At first we sort of just hung out at a bar here and there, and went out to have drinks with friends, but I felt something really strange about him. I had feelings for him, but I felt a feeling so strong that I would never be protected by this guy. He would not be by my side, defend me, and even had strong dreams insinuating deception, lies and hurt even when he wasn't doing wrong and was still viewed by my family as a good guy.  I couldn't put my finger on it,but I felt bad for him. Did he not like me? Maybe it was me. I was so used to Men being drawn to me and telling me I was beautiful. He didn't do that, except when prompted. Like telling me I was sexually desirable, that's it. I admit, I couldn't read him for anything. Maybe that was a sort of draw. How unhealthy. I liked him, Still I broke up with him in May 1999, two months after I met him. He didn't care, hesitate to not call me. Did not pursue me. Even though he said he loved me and was very much in love with me, he didn't even ask WHY? My sister said, "Good, Don't go back to him. You need to be single for awhile. I am tired of seeing you with a guy. I wanna see you single and free and independant!" My sister, Linda was always right. I am sad I didn't listen to what I listen to now. 

She was right but really, how could I have known at all what would happen from that year on.I felt sorry for him and thought well 'I truly like him, so i am going to call him back'. I did, and he was very happy. He said he doesn't like to pursue people and get hurt. That he was not a jealous guy. I begged to differ, but anyway that is for further on into the saga of my cautionary tale. 

Every evening, he would come and be with me at the casino where I worked in the promotional booth where I worked. I worked two jobs, at a government scientific laboratory as a student and as a promotional customer service rep at this casino. He would show every evening after my day job and hang out with me for my dinner break pretty late at night too.
I was getting a little nervous around him being there all the time, and he just didn't care or mind driving far to see me, since he lived a town away.  I felt how awful it would be to be so mean to this guy when a coworker and a friend told me that she told him he should dress it up a little for me because "your girl would so love it if you cared more about yourself image, like clean it up a little" Just because he wasn’t dressy or cared much how he dressed or looked, it didn’t mean he couldn’t change a little bit. Like clean up his long pretty straight hair, and take a shower before work and make effort even if he couldn't go home and shower. I didn't understand why he was like this. He barely shaved and it seemed he didn't have much experience with girls. So I started buying him clothes that he wore once, said he liked because he picked them and then didn’t wear them again. It was aweful, but I didn't realize I was pushing things on him he didn't want, and that I was trying to change him and it wasn't right.
I blew off his oddities and my disdain for them as being really cool and he was an individual. He would tell me he 'almost got this expensive car', and how it was disappointing how he never really got anything he really wanted in his life, except now, a pretty girl whom he loved.He would tell me about the movie stars he’s met out in California where he is originally from and all kinds of interesting things he did, like bungee jump, and the car racing he loved so much and the auto mechanics life he led. 

When we went on our first date, he treated me out to a nice little town restaurant. He also said he was paying a lot of debt off and that was why he was always so broke. He didn't treat me much. For our first date, he took me to a restaurant near my house and I had jumbo shrimp and steak. He paid. He started paying less and less as time went by and I resented the fact that I, as a woman, was paying most of everything. There was nothing wrong with that because at least he was paying off bad debts, but I would tell him, “Why do I always have to pay?” I’d get angry, and then sad for being angry and then angry for being sad and then angry and sad that I couldn't let him off the hook and leave the relationship and write if off as the fact that we are just not compatible for life. One day we were having lunch at a pond, and I paid for our food. My distaste and hurt showed right thru me and I pushed him away from me when I got no response from him as to why I was paying for his lunches all the time. I was so sad because to me he was a nice guy. He stayed quiet and his eyes were sad and shy, so I always felt bad for him. I let it go and said to myself this is the price I would have to pay if I wanted to be with him. I also didn't think I deserved better. 

My bad habit was forming again. Here I was forming an attachment to someone who was clearly not for me.He was shy and not a person who took much charge in a relationship, not even 50/50 at first. As great a guy as he was in the sense that he did kind gestures like hold my hand, tell me how happy he was with me and cook great meals, I knew somehow, this guy felt inadequate in all aspects of life and also had a diminished trust of woman and his mother. He often said how badly his mother had treated him for all of his life and that he didn't have a relationship with her. I saw all the signs of a man I didn't want: one that didn't like his mother, wouldn't like woman all that much, especially a strong A type take charge of shit woman like myself, and oneday, I felt a palpable but quiet undercurrent of rage inside of Michael. You couldn't see it early on, you couldn't feel it, but he was an angry man. I also started to question him about things he would tell me about where he was going, what he was doing and he's ourright lie to my face. It was aweful. I began to see a liar, a secretive man, a hurt and disturbed man who thought felt if he didn't get his way or whom he wanted in life, people would get hurt.  I would be hurt the most by this relationship than any other relationship I had ever experienced, even with my own Dad I'd never experience this pain....To be continued. Revised April 12, 2014. 

Stay Tuned: 

Part 2